Press 95 – If You have already gone to our website and checked your balance, so we don’t need to play an endless loop of how to “Go to our website for all of your answers” during the 45 minutes while you are on hold.
Press 96 – If You’ve already submitted an online Customer Service and Support Request, and our automated email attendant responded to your request with a Do-Not-Reply nonsensical email that had absolutely zero do with your problem and it only referred you back to the website.
Press 97 – If You’ve already given us the following a total of at least three times your full name with middle initial, your complete address with zip+4, social security number, account number, phone number with area code and billing reference code while you had to shout into the phone when the robotic-automated-voice-attendant kept saying “I didn’t understand you. Can you repeat that?”, so you would rather speak to a living, breathing human being even if the accent is overseas and terrible and using a shitty VoIP system.
Press 98 – If You’ve already experienced buckets-full of fake sorrowful apologetic tear drops from our Customer Service agents, shift supervisors, managers, and regional directors that all make the late Tammy Faye Baker look like a rank amateur and would put her to shame, but who stiffen at the mention of even giving a single dollar credit to your account.
Press 99 – If You already know that our reducing of staff, closing customer service phone centers and walk-in centers, removing our phone number from all correspondence including removing it from the website, all in the name of “better service” and “efficient cost-cutting”, is just plain garbage from the CEO du jour who hopes to get on the cover of the latest entrepreneur magazine and to use that for springboarding into coning another corporation into hiring them.
Press 100 – If You already know that the only reason why we do such things listed above is that because we are a mega-company who has the market share (well, depending on which Independent Customer Satisfaction Surveys you read and believe that they are just as real and non-biased as the paid-off and conflict-of-interest ridden bank and security credit rating agencies that helped to bring down the financial industry, but we digress) and who not only counts on it, but bets on it, that no matter how much you grumble and dislike us, you won’t leave us. And if you do try to leave us, we’ll first perform the buckets-full of apologetic tears routine, and if that doesn’t work, we will slap a big-ass revenge fee on your account, but we prefer to call it a Early Termination Fee or sometimes call it a Customer Service Inquiry Fee.